when flowers bloom
Apr. 17th, 2017 06:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beijingaccent9title: when flowers bloom
pairing: xiuhan
genre: angst;
word count: 1.9k
summary: lu han hates the number that comes before twelve.
a/n: unbeta'ed; reposted from lj
minseok does not talk to luhan when he doesn't have flowers in his hands.
this time around, luhan has a yellow daffodil in his hands and it is enough for minseok to like. he thinks minseok is selfish for wanting him to linger around him, but then again, what choice does he have when he rather succumb to the memories than to let go of the realm of possibilities?
"don't cry." minseok tells him as he caresses his soft and warm face.
his touch feels so cold but maybe, that is because of the malfunctioning heater in the airport during the winter season or maybe, minseok's thick layer of cute printed gloves are not enough to give warmth.
he grabs both of his hands, wanting to pass the warmth he has to his first ever korean friend, to his best friend, to his- what do you call someone whose existence gives you enough reason to wake up every morning? recently, lu han thinks he doesn't have a reason to wake up anymore.
"it's gonna be okay, lu han." lie! it will never be okay, lu han will never be okay.
he closes his eyes for a second and when he opens it, he sees a tall figure in front of him. sehun blocks the illuminating light and his heart pounds again, crazily. no, he's at it again.
"lu han hyung, let's go?" lu han grits his teeth and for once, taking a deep breath feels so difficult as if someone is strangling him.
he nods and follows the younger from behind. he looks back a few more times and wonders about something he shouldn't even think. stop lu han, you are--
their debut stage seems especially vast.
each and everyone of them is having a hard time during their debut showcase in China. their positions in each choreography have to be altered. lu han has to practice more chinese lines which isn't for him in the first place. he has to fill in some empty space which isn't supposed to be empty.
when it is time to introduce themselves, lu han feels his ears automatically shut down for him. he doesn't need to hear any of their names anymore, he has memorized and remembered names he has to. he has always instilled in his mind that he has to introduce himself with his real name and that he is the eleventh person to speak. and what goes after eleven? twelve
"hi, i'm lu han and i'm the," his voice tones down a little, "... member of exo." some words seem to be missing but no one wants to ask lu han to repeat it for everybody to hear.
he holds a tiny daffodil in his right hand and when it isn't his turn to speak, minseok whispers something, "were you tired?"
he nods.
"you chose this kind of life, lu han." minseok says coldly. "you have to bear with it."
he knows minseok can be blunt, but his words are not necessarily harsh. his words are highly motivating, if lu han will describe. his 'good morning' is the sweetest, his 'i love you' is the loveliest and his 'good bye' leaves him more broken than he already is.
he looks at minseok and notices he isn't sweating. maybe, the coordinators have given him a thinner outfit or maybe, the air conditioner in his side is working at its best.
the hotel room feels a little less suffocating than before.
lu han looks around and sees an already sleeping tao and suho on the other bed. he closes the lights and heads back to his bed.
he rolls around the vast expanse of his bed. he can't sleep, maybe because he had too much coffee. he grabs the daffodil by his bed side and swallows hard. just this time, lu han.
"do you want me to sing you to sleep?" minseok asks with his soft voice.
the younger of the two nods lightly and closes his eyes. minseok sings with all his might. their voice trainers may say minseok lacks something, but he is already enough for lu han. the way minseok's voice curls is his only way of distinguishing him from the others.
minseok sings "angel" for lu han. it has always been their favorite because it has always drawn out his (lu han's) emotion. the older continues to sing as lu han tightens the grip on the daffodil. he continues to sing and only lu han can hear.
he can't help but to stare at the beauty in front of him. he closes his eyes once more and wonders. isn't minseok enough to fill the void?
changes are inevitable.
lu han hates it when minseok doesn't respond, not a single word or a gesture. why is he getting a bit demanding nowadays? how can lu han have those daffodils every single time? how does he expect lu han to have those flowers all the time? minseok isn't like this before. he doesn't demand anything, but he'll always be there whenever lu han needs him. that was before.
"i can't have those flowers all the time, minseok!" he yells, anger is evident from his tone.
yixing, who is in the dorm that time, calms lu han down. "ge, minseok hyung can't go here and tend to your needs." he pats his back as he hears him trying to muffle his little sobs. "you have to learn how to stand up on your own."
lu han dries his tears with his rough and caloused hand. there are a lot of unnecessary thoughts going through his mind. "i want to be alone, yixing."
i can't be with you all the time, lu han. he hears minseok's words echo in his head.
and with that, yixing leaves. luhan lays down on his bed and goes through his phone's camera roll. his pictures with minseok make him remember how ridiculous their first meeting was, how awkward the older was and how magical it was despite having flaws here and there.
with minseok, every awful memory turns out to be a wonderful one.
with him, lu han doesn't need to worry anything at all.
he wants to make more memories with minseok, but is it still possible?
crying doesn't lessen your worth as a person.
minseok tells lu han not to shed tears for him one friday night, when the younger one is holding a daffodil in his right hand. the grip is tight that his nails mark the uneven skin of his palm. lu han examines minseok; his face is not round but sharp angles. he touches him gently. he does not look healthy, at all.
he reassures lu han, though. he tells him, he is okay and he tells him about love and all other things. i love you in between soft kisses. i'm sorry in between gentle caresses. i'm, minseok's voice gets a little softer and lu han isn't able to register what he has just said.
lu han asks him once more because it's safer to be sure. the other answers with an enthusiastic nod and a youthful smile. he has never seen minseok like this before, not when they were training for stardom.
he notices minseok wearing a white shirt he has never seen before. since when did minseok like wearing white
there are times when truth really hurts.
sometimes, yixing scolds lu han telling him, i don't like it when i'm scolding you but you have to face the truth. only the truth will set your heart free
sometimes, sehun cries in front of lu han, crying out words in between his sobs: please please please you have to learn how to let go and live
sometimes, lu han does want to face the truth, confront it and prove that he's much more stronger. but there are also times when he thinks, he rather hold on to the remaining strings of false hopes and promises because facing the truth is much easier said than done.
sometimes, suho slaps lu han with reality, you can't linger in the past because what happened has already happened
sometimes, jongdae just wants to drag lu han inside a psychiatrist's office.
sometimes, there are no sometimes.
memories are bound to fade.
lu han puts all those polaroids and letters in a box and locks it. he keeps it in the farthest room away from his instead of setting it on fire like how the others suggested.
locking all the memories inside is like saying good bye to his favorite boy band from 6th grade or seeing empty cookie jars. those memories are so wonderful, his heart cries in total despair. he feels his insides twist from the sadness he is feeling.
he cries the other morning, realizing he should have not kept them. he cries again, realizing he should have not entrusted yixing with the key because he is a little forgetful. he cries for the third time, realizing he is trying to forget a memory he had tried the past few months memorizing. he cries because he isn't ready, but he has to be, eventually. he cries when he hears their favorite song.
lu han gives minseok a handful of daffodils he has picked up on his way. he smiles and says, i'm giving back all the goodbyes you said.
"see you, minseok." because really, lu han isn't ready yet. he just pretends, because it's one step towards letting go. it's one step towards reality and truth. it's one step towards real happiness.
minseok doesn't answer and it leaves lu han in horror.
what if minseok isn't ready yet
what if minseok isn't ready
what if minseok isn't
what if minseok
yifan gives him a small pat on his back and says, don't worry minseok is strong
reality makes luhan a human.
lu han finally gives in. reality is painful, he proclaims, but it makes you feel alive and human and like everybody else.
he isn't entirely happy. there are still times when he wanted to run away and open that box filled with mirth and loneliness. there are times when he wanted to place a daffodil in his hand and talk, just talk.
lu han functions well during performances as a whole or as a unit and his ears don't shut down automatically anymore.
it is suho's privilege to speak first as the leader of exo. "hi everyone! i'm suho and the leader of exo. exo has four chinese members and seven korean members. all in all, we have eleven members."
suho, yifan, sehun, jongdae, baekhyun, chanyeol, yixing, jongin, kyungsoo, tao
and
"hi, i'm lu han and i'm the oldest in exo." it would not have been me if minseok were here.
and it has finally sunk in his mind that all what min- no, - imaginary minseok wanted to say before was, i'm dead, but lu han never really intends to register it in his mind before.
eleven is the number before twelve, but so does the number when you deduct one from twelve
and it was the number of words that got lu han muffling his sobs on his pillow that one morning: lu han, minseok was found dead in the dance studio last night.
they were not supposed to be eleven, they were supposed to be twelve only if the system has not killed minseok and only if the system has not rendered minseok helpless.
minseok never made it to exo.
pairing: xiuhan
genre: angst;
word count: 1.9k
summary: lu han hates the number that comes before twelve.
a/n: unbeta'ed; reposted from lj
minseok does not talk to luhan when he doesn't have flowers in his hands.
this time around, luhan has a yellow daffodil in his hands and it is enough for minseok to like. he thinks minseok is selfish for wanting him to linger around him, but then again, what choice does he have when he rather succumb to the memories than to let go of the realm of possibilities?
"don't cry." minseok tells him as he caresses his soft and warm face.
his touch feels so cold but maybe, that is because of the malfunctioning heater in the airport during the winter season or maybe, minseok's thick layer of cute printed gloves are not enough to give warmth.
he grabs both of his hands, wanting to pass the warmth he has to his first ever korean friend, to his best friend, to his- what do you call someone whose existence gives you enough reason to wake up every morning? recently, lu han thinks he doesn't have a reason to wake up anymore.
"it's gonna be okay, lu han." lie! it will never be okay, lu han will never be okay.
he closes his eyes for a second and when he opens it, he sees a tall figure in front of him. sehun blocks the illuminating light and his heart pounds again, crazily. no, he's at it again.
"lu han hyung, let's go?" lu han grits his teeth and for once, taking a deep breath feels so difficult as if someone is strangling him.
he nods and follows the younger from behind. he looks back a few more times and wonders about something he shouldn't even think. stop lu han, you are--
their debut stage seems especially vast.
each and everyone of them is having a hard time during their debut showcase in China. their positions in each choreography have to be altered. lu han has to practice more chinese lines which isn't for him in the first place. he has to fill in some empty space which isn't supposed to be empty.
when it is time to introduce themselves, lu han feels his ears automatically shut down for him. he doesn't need to hear any of their names anymore, he has memorized and remembered names he has to. he has always instilled in his mind that he has to introduce himself with his real name and that he is the eleventh person to speak. and what goes after eleven? twelve
"hi, i'm lu han and i'm the," his voice tones down a little, "... member of exo." some words seem to be missing but no one wants to ask lu han to repeat it for everybody to hear.
he holds a tiny daffodil in his right hand and when it isn't his turn to speak, minseok whispers something, "were you tired?"
he nods.
"you chose this kind of life, lu han." minseok says coldly. "you have to bear with it."
he knows minseok can be blunt, but his words are not necessarily harsh. his words are highly motivating, if lu han will describe. his 'good morning' is the sweetest, his 'i love you' is the loveliest and his 'good bye' leaves him more broken than he already is.
he looks at minseok and notices he isn't sweating. maybe, the coordinators have given him a thinner outfit or maybe, the air conditioner in his side is working at its best.
the hotel room feels a little less suffocating than before.
lu han looks around and sees an already sleeping tao and suho on the other bed. he closes the lights and heads back to his bed.
he rolls around the vast expanse of his bed. he can't sleep, maybe because he had too much coffee. he grabs the daffodil by his bed side and swallows hard. just this time, lu han.
"do you want me to sing you to sleep?" minseok asks with his soft voice.
the younger of the two nods lightly and closes his eyes. minseok sings with all his might. their voice trainers may say minseok lacks something, but he is already enough for lu han. the way minseok's voice curls is his only way of distinguishing him from the others.
minseok sings "angel" for lu han. it has always been their favorite because it has always drawn out his (lu han's) emotion. the older continues to sing as lu han tightens the grip on the daffodil. he continues to sing and only lu han can hear.
he can't help but to stare at the beauty in front of him. he closes his eyes once more and wonders. isn't minseok enough to fill the void?
changes are inevitable.
lu han hates it when minseok doesn't respond, not a single word or a gesture. why is he getting a bit demanding nowadays? how can lu han have those daffodils every single time? how does he expect lu han to have those flowers all the time? minseok isn't like this before. he doesn't demand anything, but he'll always be there whenever lu han needs him. that was before.
"i can't have those flowers all the time, minseok!" he yells, anger is evident from his tone.
yixing, who is in the dorm that time, calms lu han down. "ge, minseok hyung can't go here and tend to your needs." he pats his back as he hears him trying to muffle his little sobs. "you have to learn how to stand up on your own."
lu han dries his tears with his rough and caloused hand. there are a lot of unnecessary thoughts going through his mind. "i want to be alone, yixing."
i can't be with you all the time, lu han. he hears minseok's words echo in his head.
and with that, yixing leaves. luhan lays down on his bed and goes through his phone's camera roll. his pictures with minseok make him remember how ridiculous their first meeting was, how awkward the older was and how magical it was despite having flaws here and there.
with minseok, every awful memory turns out to be a wonderful one.
with him, lu han doesn't need to worry anything at all.
he wants to make more memories with minseok, but is it still possible?
crying doesn't lessen your worth as a person.
minseok tells lu han not to shed tears for him one friday night, when the younger one is holding a daffodil in his right hand. the grip is tight that his nails mark the uneven skin of his palm. lu han examines minseok; his face is not round but sharp angles. he touches him gently. he does not look healthy, at all.
he reassures lu han, though. he tells him, he is okay and he tells him about love and all other things. i love you in between soft kisses. i'm sorry in between gentle caresses. i'm, minseok's voice gets a little softer and lu han isn't able to register what he has just said.
lu han asks him once more because it's safer to be sure. the other answers with an enthusiastic nod and a youthful smile. he has never seen minseok like this before, not when they were training for stardom.
he notices minseok wearing a white shirt he has never seen before. since when did minseok like wearing white
there are times when truth really hurts.
sometimes, yixing scolds lu han telling him, i don't like it when i'm scolding you but you have to face the truth. only the truth will set your heart free
sometimes, sehun cries in front of lu han, crying out words in between his sobs: please please please you have to learn how to let go and live
sometimes, lu han does want to face the truth, confront it and prove that he's much more stronger. but there are also times when he thinks, he rather hold on to the remaining strings of false hopes and promises because facing the truth is much easier said than done.
sometimes, suho slaps lu han with reality, you can't linger in the past because what happened has already happened
sometimes, jongdae just wants to drag lu han inside a psychiatrist's office.
sometimes, there are no sometimes.
memories are bound to fade.
lu han puts all those polaroids and letters in a box and locks it. he keeps it in the farthest room away from his instead of setting it on fire like how the others suggested.
locking all the memories inside is like saying good bye to his favorite boy band from 6th grade or seeing empty cookie jars. those memories are so wonderful, his heart cries in total despair. he feels his insides twist from the sadness he is feeling.
he cries the other morning, realizing he should have not kept them. he cries again, realizing he should have not entrusted yixing with the key because he is a little forgetful. he cries for the third time, realizing he is trying to forget a memory he had tried the past few months memorizing. he cries because he isn't ready, but he has to be, eventually. he cries when he hears their favorite song.
lu han gives minseok a handful of daffodils he has picked up on his way. he smiles and says, i'm giving back all the goodbyes you said.
"see you, minseok." because really, lu han isn't ready yet. he just pretends, because it's one step towards letting go. it's one step towards reality and truth. it's one step towards real happiness.
minseok doesn't answer and it leaves lu han in horror.
what if minseok isn't ready yet
what if minseok isn't ready
what if minseok isn't
what if minseok
yifan gives him a small pat on his back and says, don't worry minseok is strong
reality makes luhan a human.
lu han finally gives in. reality is painful, he proclaims, but it makes you feel alive and human and like everybody else.
he isn't entirely happy. there are still times when he wanted to run away and open that box filled with mirth and loneliness. there are times when he wanted to place a daffodil in his hand and talk, just talk.
lu han functions well during performances as a whole or as a unit and his ears don't shut down automatically anymore.
it is suho's privilege to speak first as the leader of exo. "hi everyone! i'm suho and the leader of exo. exo has four chinese members and seven korean members. all in all, we have eleven members."
suho, yifan, sehun, jongdae, baekhyun, chanyeol, yixing, jongin, kyungsoo, tao
and
"hi, i'm lu han and i'm the oldest in exo." it would not have been me if minseok were here.
and it has finally sunk in his mind that all what min- no, - imaginary minseok wanted to say before was, i'm dead, but lu han never really intends to register it in his mind before.
eleven is the number before twelve, but so does the number when you deduct one from twelve
and it was the number of words that got lu han muffling his sobs on his pillow that one morning: lu han, minseok was found dead in the dance studio last night.
they were not supposed to be eleven, they were supposed to be twelve only if the system has not killed minseok and only if the system has not rendered minseok helpless.
minseok never made it to exo.
